#I'm keeping my fanfics up and all. never deleting them. but fuck. what if I'm all wrong. what if i never understood them.

[masked-and-doomed]

I feel like I've never known any of my beloveds in fucking ever help who are you guys. What the fuck are you. Who am I. Shit. Shit fuck.

[flowerandblood]

ONE YEAR OF FLOWER&BLOOD

✨🎉🌙✨🎉🌙✨🎉🌙✨🎉🌙✨🎉🌙✨🎉🌙

Exactly one year ago I posted my first chapter of the My Best Friend series. Nowadays I think it's something awful and I don't even try to edit it because I'd have to write everything from scratch, but I've left it for people who feel attached to the story. I remember getting about six likes and one comment on the first day and that huuuuge interest made me eager to create chapter 2 and then all the others.

I remember the excitement with which I waited and then replied to comments, not believing that people were actually waiting for the next chapter. At the time I was literally not following anyone, which was good because I wasn't comparing myself to anyone.

Eventually I felt I was ready to try writing other series and a few were successful enough that I decided to stay here permanently and create because it made me happy. Up to that point, everyone had been very kind to me and I started following more and more blogs, wanting to feel part of the fandom, to make friends with everyone. Now I know that was the biggest mistake I made.

Seeing things that didn't interest me, fanfic's whose way of writing couldn't draw me in, I felt frustrated, while at the same time fearing that if I stopped following someone, that person would see it as an affront. At the same time, The Impossible Choice, my biggest project until The Fall from the Heavens (which I'm currently editing and re-editing, while inserting on AO3), began to be written.

Just when I thought I had reached the pinnacle of my abilities (which wasn't true), I also started to clash with anonymous hate messages, probably the worst of which were those vilifying me and my husband, and those regarding my one-shot with Micheal Gavey. I know now that taking it personally and getting involved was my big mistake, and the fandom was shaken by drama that got out of hand.

I was a few steps away from deleting my blog at the time, but my husband talked me out of the idea (thankfully, as my stories aren't saved anywhere else − I'm only now moving them to AO3).

That's when I first realised that some people here I don't even like, and they probably don't like me. I wondered, why are we following each other then? Why are we pretending to have any courtesy? It was only later that I realised that to be considered someone's friend, you have to reblog their work and preferably agree with them even when they write hurtful things.

Since I've depleted my circle of those I follow to about 20 people, since I've blocked dozens of people and tags, there's been blissful silence (with the exceptions of when I write about behaviour in the fandom that I find toxic and someone accuses me of causing drama, but I'm used to it now). I've also never written happier than I do now.

Ideas come to me on their own, I don't feel uptight about what other big people will think of me, whether they reblog it, approve of it or not. I don't give a shit and life is beautiful! Although I can be emotionally unstable, I'm only 70 people short of crossing the next milestone of 3,000 followers, and that's BIG for me. It amuses me that I keep getting messages that someone is going to block me or stop following me, and you guys keep coming. It's gratifying.

I'm going to keep writing for you guys, and I'm sure during season two you'll also see my posts describing my impressions after the episodes in which I hope to involve my husband. I'll also keep you updated here on how I'm doing with my book I'm creating in my private life.

Apreciation

@ewanmitchellcrumbs

Ange. I know that sometimes I'm fucked up, but I want you to know that you've made this place so much more bearable for me that I can't imagine it without you. What I appreciate most about you is that you can talk and discuss, that you always try to understand the other side, that you are empathetic, warm and kind. I feel that, like friends in everyday life, we can also tell each other about things we disagree about, and there are not many people like that here.

On top of that, you are very talented and your stories are always a pleasure to read, even when they are short, you are able to build the plot and atmosphere perfectly, something I have always admired. Thank you for every kind word and understanding.

I still remember your first message to me via ask, referring to the fact that I didn't want to write a pairing with a mermaid because someone else was writing about it at the same time. My heart melted then, it was so nice!

@targaryenrealnessdarling

Liz, Queen of Angst! Your calmness and composure puts me in awe. You're disgustingly talented when it comes to writing and you have a super-sweet personality. When you started following me I began to squirm with delight, and when you started reblogging my stuff? My goodness!!!

@persephonerinyes

You've been engaging and reblogging my stories for as long as I can remember. Always involved, your thoughts make me smile. Thank you for being with me for so long!

@zenka96

You've been here with me since the dawn of time. You know that I love you. Your support from the very beginning really makes me feel like I have a friend here.

@huramuna

I am so proud of you! I remember your asks when I wrote Glass Cuts Deepest, your illustrations for me and your uncertainty about whether you should start writing yourself. I'm so happy for you and that you are so successful! You deserved it.

@black-dread & @aegonx

You are my favourite gif makers. Your work always leaves me in awe, you are amazing! I know how much work you put into it and somehow you make even the worst lit scenes look wonderful!

@summerposie; @0eessirk8; @melsunshine; @immyowndefender; @bellaisasleep; @kckt88; @thedamewithabook; @happinessinthebeing; @queenofshinigamis; @travelingmypassion; @mefools; @fan-goddess; @toodlesxcuddles; @ammo23; @troublesomesnitch; @mariahossain; @out-of-life; @apothe-roses; @heavenhatesme; @whitearemydarkestnight; @liv-cole; @blackswxnn; @echos-muses; @watercolorskyy; @at-a-rax-ia; @tssf-imagines; @snh96; @hiatuswhore; @exitpursuedbyavulcan; @darylandbethfanforever9; @the-dendrophile-bookdragon; @opheliaas-stuff @zaldritzosrose

Your comments and reblogs make me want to keep writing. You make me laugh, you comfort me and you support me. I know I'm definitely forgetting someone, but I want you to know that I love everyone who comments on my stories and there is nothing better for me than responding to your reactions and questions! I have known some of you for so many months that I truly consider you my good friends!

lottie-blue-star; aveatquevale-; aemondtargaryenwifey marvelescvpe; alphard-hydraes-blog; herejusttostan; li0nn3stuff; alexandrawho; vilmakamunen; angelinap09; theloveablestargirl; rose-blue-19; xxxkat3xxx; flosaureum; mandiiblanche; librawh0re; jasminecosmic99; ivvypg; rojocarnation; killmanduh; tokkiiidoll; wolfdressedinlace; angelofvivianne; nina2697; starwarsgirlsimmer1; katsucker; ipostwhtifeel; aemondsdelight; ilswemoon; tigrigri; pasta-rask; roselibrary; lystargs; gemini-mama; nikstrange; tempo-rary-fix; coffeeobsessedtrencher; gwuinivyre; dreamerbythewayx; diiickbrainn; mothmankit

And everyone else I missed and whose icons I would recognize from afar. I know that you have been with me for many months, often in silence or communicating anonymously. Your silent support and presence is something wonderful for me, knowing that you have been with me for so long and read all my posts!

Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!

[lennadanvers]

oh my gosh, your writing is so great -- thank you for sharing! if you're taking requests, would you consider something featuring simon and a christian reader? (honestly, i'm really glad that there's a longfic writer in the fandom who doesn't focus on nsfw scenarios. the 'delirium' section in your masterlist is a really cute addition that i personally haven't seen before, and i'm older than you are. haha sorry for rambling, thanks again! <3)

Hi! I’m glad you enjoy my work!

I'm gonna be honest; I wrote a whole paragraph about nsfw-centered fics and what I think about them, and ended up deleting it bc it wasn't the point at all. It's too easy for me to start rambling sometimes. In short, I'm not in the mood to read nsfw sometimes, and I wish there were more sfw fanfics, so that's what I usually write.

Let me warn you, I’m not an expert in any religion, so there can be mistakes here (and this is kinda (very) nonspecific). I did my best though. Also, sorry it took me so fucking long. Hope you like it!

Mercy

Ghost doesn’t believe in your God.

Maybe Simon once did. He’s not sure. How could he, after everything he’s gone through? If he had any faith inside him, it should have survived. If a God like that existed, they should have helped him.

But there’s no faith left in him, and he hasn’t been helped by any God.

He knows only one pair of hands that are holy. Only one forgiveness he’d spend this life- and any other- seeking. Only one name he mutters before falling asleep. There is only one place he goes to every Sunday, and one face he wants to see when he dies.

Yours.

Maybe he does believe in god -he believes in you, after all.

He’s seen you pray. You close your eyes, sometimes move your mouth without talking, the words taking possession of your lips. It’s the same when he mouths “I love you” under the mask, in the shadows. He thinks your God hears you the same way you hear him: you don’t, but you know.

He's noticed how you pat the cross hanging around your chest when you need support. When Ghost is about to jump into a storm of bullets, when Johnny is messing with a suspicious wire, when he’s only got one magazine left… He pats his chest: the heart beating inside is yours.

He’s gone with you to church. You keep quiet when you’re there, reverential for the sacred atmosphere. When Simon is at your house, he doesn’t talk much either. He bows at the pictures on your walls, though, a savior depicted in all your glory.

He knows when you’re scared, you ask your God for protection. When he was injured in battle, the only thing he thought about was you. The only one at the hospital, the only one tending to his wounds for months, the only one.

Ghost doesn’t believe in God. He does, however, worship you. That’s why he’s standing at the altar, looking at you in your white dress. He is a religious man, after all. A devotee. One to whom you’ve granted entry to Heaven, now that you’re saying yes. One that is loved, even with blood under his nails and gunpowder deep in his pores.

Ghost is a sinner that’s been forgiven before even asking. A coarse attempt at being like you; so pure, good and loving. You let him kneel before you once, a ring in his trembling hand; you took him. You put one on his finger, a gift he’ll never be able to repay, but that he’s infinitely thankful for. He’s not perfect, he’ll never be; and he knows. But he’s doing his best, and you know that. So you kiss him as if he were.

When you leave church -hand in his, husband and wife- he speaks to your God for the first and only time. Says only two words.

Thank you.

[valyrfia]

RE: This ask on fanfic, fandom, and lestappen

(preface with, I love fanfic and fandom, and I've written for very big and small)

I have never experienced such bad fandom etiquette as I have with 1633. I wrote one multi chapter fic for the ship and 99% of ao3 comments I got were people asking when I'd publish the next chapter, which has always been a big no no in fandom. I deleted the fic because it felt bad that people didn't want to engage with what I had written, but, just ask about my update schedule. Also, people changing the date of their published fic to be more recent, so, it appears at the top of the 'recently updated page'! I have never seen this in any fandom before now! AO3 isn't Instagram! If you tag correctly, people will find your fic if they want to read it.

People are pushing 1633 constantly in very public spaces like Twitter, Insta and TikToK, where we know these drivers have accounts and look at comments/posts about them or on their own posts. Just today on Twitter I see Dan Howell (which what a fucking weird intersection of my past and current interests) being asked at a public panel about lestappen, just because he's mentioned liking F1 in the past. I know it gets easy clicks and engagement because it is popular. But, it's so far removed from behaviour that was ever considered acceptable in fandom.

I remember, back in 2013/14 there was a huge backlash to people bringing up fictional ships to actors/writers. There was discourse after every Supernatural or Teen Wolf fan forum/con panel when someone would inevitably ask about Destiel or Sterek. People would argue whether fanon and ships were appropriate to ask the real people behind the show about.

RPF is fine, I have written, currently write and will continue to engage in RPF spaces. But, there are boundaries that you must keep if you are going to engage with it. Tumblr and AO3 have always been considered locked fandom spaces. If a person goes onto these sites and searches themselves out, that's on them. But, it's implied in fandom that you keep to just these spaces or private chats

(personally, I'm sad I just missed out on the livejournal days... I got into fandom when everything was being moved over from there and fanfic.net onto ao3)

I understand younger social media users are used to an algorithm finding content for them. And on sites like Tumblr where the algorithm sucks or ao3, which doesn't have one. You have to search out the content you want yourself. Liking and kudos isn't enough, you actually have to engage in meaningly conversations and comments if you want to make friends. That can be scary! But, it's a soft skill that is slowly getting lost and with it fandom etiquette is going down the drain.

This is like...one of the last big serious ask I want to reply to on this topic because not everyone agrees with me (which, fine), but OP you put a lot of time into typing this up so I will honour that.

I think fandom, much like a lot of other things nowadays, have become less about fun and more about hitting a certain number of likes and interactions. That's why people push Lestappen on other social media even though most of us have explicitly said "can you not, thanks". The changing the date of the fic to push to an 'algorithm' infuriates me and is a personal pet peeve of mine. There's one that's doing that now on the Lestappen tag and I've point-blanked refused to read it literally BECAUSE of the date changing. People will read your fic if they want to, constantly pushing it to the top of the 'Date Updated' list does nothing except piss people off.

I will say I think the fictional ship discourse of 2014 was maybe driven in part by the fact that being gay was still seen as something much more 'novel' than even now. If we think about when marriage became legal in the US and all that...I still think though that it shows a level of self-awareness and self-regulation that we've lost in fandom. As my partner and I often to lament to each other, we've become so individualistic that people have lost the concept of shame. It's an idea that YOU are the exception and something should cater to YOU, instead of the other way round. In the case of fandom, this comes out as people acknowledging fandom etiquette in an abstract way, but still logging into their twitter account (WITH THEIR FACES ATTACHED! WHICH! THIS IS A TANGENT BUT IT BAFFLES ME! WHAT HAPPENED TO DIGITAL FOOTPRINT!) and posting about RPF. Fandom is not an abstract entity, fandom IS the people that interact with it–from authors to artists all the way to those who consume the content.

Also, I also JUST missed out on the lj days–the great migration was happening just when I was getting involved in fandom and I can't help but feel like I missed out on something special.

[wintersoulwitch]

Right so fucking hell this may be the greatest thing that's ever happened to me? And I'm going to do my own rambling now... You have been warned😅

Me going insane over @silverview's a better son / daughter is what lead to me starting to write and share my own fics - the first one basically being a fanfic of that fanfic because I couldn't get the story out of my head - and that was the motivating factor for me resurrecting my Tumblr account and starting @unreesonable as a place to archive all my digital data hoarding.

Recently I've been having a tough time with my mental health and dealing with lots of anxiety/overwhelm. And part of that was feeling completely unable to create anything, and that everything I did create was crap bla bla bla etc etc. And even though she has been nothing but gracious and encouraging, I was feeling very awkward and self-conscious about treading on silverview's toes and being overbearing and taking over this story that she'd started. To the point where I was thinking I should never have carried on with it, I should have quit while I was ahead, I should just delete it.

Thanks to S/F I ended up spending time with silverview IRL for two Saturdays in a row 😅 And she was again very lovely and complimentary and told me she wanted me to carry on writing about Blake and Drew. So on my epic 8-hour coach journey home I tried to use the time to go through my notes and pick up some half-written scenes and commit to getting another chapter up.

And then while I was trying to push through the final doubts that were keeping me from hitting the post button, I got a really lovely comment from @dangerliesbeforeyou and it was so timely. Like, ah, OK, there's someone else who might like to read this. So I posted, and then I got the most fucking epic comment from silverview on ao3 😍and THEN today I open Tumblr and see a post from @not-xpr-art and was like "Hey! That's Blake and Drew!" And then... OMFG. The title is from a line in one of my fics. Something I wrote inspired this. And there are details in this image that I straightaway know come from words that I wrote. Words. That. I. Wrote. What. The. Fuck. Ahhhhhh.

Like earlier this week I was thinking about people who have statements in their profiles about giving permission for people to make fanart/podfics of their writing and I was like "Ahhh that would be so cool. But no one would ever make fanart based on something I wrote." AND THEN THEY DID. (And then I sent them a billion messages freaking out about it 😅😅😅😅)

And it's so good - did I say it's so good? I loooove the echo of The Kiss and the Fallen Angel tear, I love the brushstrokes on their clothes and the sheets, I love the way you've rendered the hair (Drew's curls 😭), and the echoes of Andrew Powell (who is, of course, my mental reference for 22-year old Drew) and the reference to Drew's outfit in the actual Trolley Problem ep (makes a note to mention argyle patterned boxers in an upcoming chapter), and the whole trapped vibe comes across perfectly.

Seriously nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I am blown away. And this post is a lot more open and vulnerable than the stuff I usually share but that's the fucking point of making art and putting it out in the world, isn't it???

[rosieblogstuff]

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

44 😲 in my main AO3 account. 2 others in my older account = 46!

I didn't realize I had that many things!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

270,883

3. What fandoms do you write for?

All 44 of those works in my main AO3 are MacGyver 2016. One is a crossover with The Rookie. The other two at Star Trek TOS and Star Wars fics.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Table + Flashlight + IEDs

Mac + (Wilderness + Training + Survival) + Jack

Lost Causes

Lake + Stick + Fever

4 Times the LAPD Didn’t Pull Jack Over + 1 Time They Did 

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to! I often respond to a chapter's comments when I post the next chapter of a longfic. And sometimes I just space on it and respond a year later when I notice I failed to respond.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Oh definitely my X-ray + Penny flashfic, Bad Penny. Most of the comments are variations on HOW DARE YOU!!!

There are a couple other flashfics with pretty ambiguous endings, too.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

That's a hard one. Most of my fics have a happy or at least comforty ending. Maybe... uhh.... Electricity + Combustion ? which I literally labeled "whump with a fluffy ending". I also have two Jack Lives fics so that's always a happy situation at the end...

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I haven't. A few weird comments but I mostly scratch my head and ignore them. Anybody who hates on my fics will be getting a very long and nasty reply, followed by their comment being deleted.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Nope, no smutty fanfics here. I did have a romance I posted for another fandom awhile back (and never finished), and I've written fade-to-black stuff in my orig fic novels.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Just one! My Macgyver 2016+The Rookie cops-vs-spies crossover, in which some LAPD officers keep coming across a black GTO involved in shenangains around LA: 4 Times the LAPD Didn’t Pull Jack Over + 1 Time They Did

It's probably the funniest thing I've ever written, and the ending is one of my very favorites. Also possibly the only gen fic ever posted in The Rookie fandom, although I don't look over there much.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes. Somebody stole all my completed fics from FF.net last year. There was a big Tumblr post about some site full of stolen fics, and sure enough, there mine were. I asked to have them remove, got not reply. I haven't posted anything to FF.net since then.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I'm aware of.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, but not for a long time. I used to frequently co-write fics in my first fandom.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

I'm going to go with Washington State Ferry M/V Wenatchee. Who doesn't love a good ferry boat? It's an irconic style, fun if you're walking on, handy if you need to drive on, saves you hours of driving around Puget Sound by land. Also just a very nice-looking ship.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Ugh, wow. I have a couple dozen things I kinda like but might never finish. My favorite, and least likely because I've made the least progress on it, is a MacGyver fic about Patti having plotted out her revenge better, and tring to fuck over the team by having listed Jack as her replacement... which of course gives him access to high-level secrets like Oversight's identity. Much drama ensues.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Ramping a story up. Characters. Make a story fully story-shaped.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Endings. 😫

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Hmmm I don't think I've ever needed to. Like most things in writing, I'm not against it in theory, but it can be done well or badly.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Anne McCaffrey's Pern, back in the paper fanzine days. Prior to joining AO3 in like 2019, I had 0 fanfics posted on the internet but a few in zines listed on Ebay. 😂

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

This is IMPOSSIBLE to answer. I could answer it differently every day for the next couple weeks. Anything I already mentions plus a couple more!

[sleepanonymous]

helloouugh i have seen your tags from the ivy neck post lmao.. did.. something happen again in the fandom? i am not asking for details if you don't wanna give tbh, i just have seen nothing and i was a bit bummed out to see you saying you need ''unsee juice'', the boys can't catch a break. :/ i hope that was a 'general state of things' unsee and not smething recent

Hi Anon, ty for the ask 🖤😅 Yeeeah there was some very subtle but creepy drama happening on Reddit over the past 2-3 weeks. Tea below the cut, I guess? TLDR is everything turned out fine but was still a big "Yikes!"

I was a quiet observer of this one, and I'm pretty sure it flew beneath 99.9% of the fandom's radar. I feel kinda bad bringing it up after the dust has settled, but I guess it's my own fault for tagging that IVy's neck meme the way I did 😅

This stated around the beginning of the month, but to tell the story properly, I gotta start 10 days ago. There is an "identity friendly" Sleep Token subreddit where a girl commented under a post stating that somebody's "acquaintance" was mates with her big brother (III being the acquaintance mentioned).

That comment piqued the interest of one of my good friends, and with a little snooping on the commenter's Reddit profile, they found a post from 22 days ago under r/crushes titled something along the lines of "Are your brother's friends off limits? Age gap?" In the post the Reddit user talks about crushing on an older guy who is friends with her brother (👀), and how he used to like her Instagram stories until he deleted his social media late last year (👀👀). At this point, my friends and I were thinking this could be a coincidence or the user could be talking about III based off the similarities and sparse information provided.

I'm almost certain there was a second r/crushes post or an r/dating post, or comments made under other posts, where the user talked about getting invited by her brother to hang out in his "friend circle," where she asked for advice in flirting with an older guy that shares 0% of her interests. I can't find it linked in any conversations, and (spoiler alert) the user's Reddit was deleted.

By this point I, being a 30-something-year-old woman who used to crush on men much older than me when I was this poster's age, who knows exactly how damaging these age-gap relationships can be, felt extremely concerned for this girl (no offense to III). But I, as well as my friends, all decided to keep our mouths shut and not engage because it's honestly none of our business and we don't need to get involved anymore than we were.

Then there was a post under r/dating seven days ago where the Reddit user asked for advice in staying overnight at her new boyfriend's house. This post pretty much confirmed the Reddit user was talking about III with the information she provided in the post, but it's also where my friends and I concluded that this was most likely an entirely made up situation. This r/dating post literally read like the premise to a fanfiction: recently started dating her brother's older friend, she'd never been in a serious relationship but really likes this guy, he invited her to spend the night, and she has no idea what to expect. People were responding to her post with concern and genuine advice and she was engaging and thanking them and giving them more info.

This all posed two possible major issues: One, if this was real, and III had began dating his friend's little sister, she was posting all of this private information about him and their relationship online in a literal breadcrumb trail for Sleep token fans to find. Two, if this was fake, then what the fuck? What was she getting out of this? Was this some weird IRL Fanfic she was writing for herself, using Reddit as her platform and involving real people who were giving her attention, advice, and genuine concern? Was she trolling in the hopes that somebody in the Sleep Token fandom would be following along? Because that sadly did work.

In a very anticlimactic manner, because I can't explain how, why, where, or who, it was found out that III was not, in fact, dating this person at all. Within half a day of me and my friends finding that out, the Reddit user had deleted her profile. I have no clue if someone reached out to her (nobody in my friend circle did) or if she maybe received the same information about III and was embarrassed by her actions online.

Honestly, for III's sake, I hope that this entire thing was some crazy daydream fantasy of some random girl with absolutely no connections to Sleep Token whatsoever. I hope that it simply blew out of proportion and that III had absolutely no idea about the posts the user was making. Also, for the user's sake, I hope she sticks to ao3, ffn, and similar places for these weird fantasies.

Anyway, yeah. Some people don't know how to behave online and they also need to stop bothering III and stay out of his personal business for god's sake.

[all-pacas]

i have so many questions

👀 Do you have any WIPs that you would never let see the light of day? If yes, what are they about?

🏅 What is something you recently felt proud of in regard to your writing (finished a fic, actually planned for once, etc).

🍰 Name one of your fave comfort fics (doesn’t have to be your all time fave).

👀 - A few, but not for… interesting reasons? Mostly I'll write something and it doesn't quite work, and so I'll either start over and keep iterating until I'm satisfied (the earlier versions rotting forever in my folders), or I'll just give up. I'm not hiding anything super dark and smutty or anything, lol. I'll also delete scenes/sections from stories and throw them into their own docs. The recent Cam/Chase fluff I wrote, I had like three or four other scenes I tried and cut out. It's pretty unlikely I'll ever finish or refurbish any of them, since I lack the drive? (Although there weirdly seems to be a lot of demand for that ship lately? So IDK.)

🏅 - I actually plan out all my stories lmaooo. Even when I don't intend to, I'll like… end up doing it, or work it into a multiverse or whatever, like if I establish a bit of fanon ("Chase's younger sister is named Danielle, because she needed a name in a story"), I'll end up working it into everything else I write, and then I'll turn this passing reference into a full character and……… IDK if there's anything specific I've felt proud of. You're not supposed to admit this, I think, but I really get most of my validation thru comments and kudos, I'm literally just pandering to my audience. So if I get a comment like "oh I loved this," I'm like yes! I am the best! (Also why I am so fucking susceptible to requests) Like, not that the opposite is true? I don't hate my stuff or anything. I just feel pretty neutral about it.

🍰 - Gonna do a left field pick here: Luminosity and Radiance, a pair of super long Twilight AU fanfics. I don't even like Twilight. I've read them both multiple times. It has a lot of fun world building and really creative use of superpowers and IDK. I just really enjoy them. Good limited POV writing, too, which is another of my favorite things.

Re-reading my answers, I seem so ambivalent dfsdf none of this is interesting!

[9leaguesofmirrors]

A Need For Something (a Ross Gaines x Joseph Lisgoe fanfic)

Remember when I said I wanted an tender, intimate Gainsgoe fic (3 words I didn't think could be used in a sentence) based on the above quote? Well, this is it! This was perhaps my biggest challenge because how does one write a tender Gainsgoe fic? The answer: with great difficulty

Please remember that I used the quote as a prompt rather than the scene itself, this is NOT a crossover fic or a rewrite of the actual scene because I haven't seen the show the quote comes from (which I've learned is apparently Outlander)

They were at Ross' house when it happened

Neither of them could remember when they started being around each other socially, but it had something to do with the fact they both liked movies that made others sick to their stomach. So, in the end, it worked out well

Soon, it ended up being a conversation about work. Ross was the one to bring it up, much to the exasperation of Lisgoe, who was much happier focusing on the poor man being torn to shreds on his TV screen

"How far have you gone to collect a debt?"

"Knocked out a lot of teeth," Lisgoe answered casually "I keep those in a jar under my desk. Once smashed someone dick and balls in with my knee - that was fun."

"Do you always use violence? Surely people come to expect that, a change in pace would benefit you-"

Lisgoe looked at the TV, clearly hiding something he didn't want to divulge. After a few darting glances at Ross, who was watching him like a hawk, he caved with a huff

"Maybe once or twice, and I'm not proud of it, I felt like I was pimping myself out. But a few times I've needed to... sweet-talk my way in. Never kissed anyone, and I do not fuck them. The people here look like they were made in a lab."

"You've never kissed one?" There was a hint of surprise present in his tone "I mean, clearly too much is unecessary, but you've never gotten close?"

"No. I'd rather cement myself into a bathtub and let ants eat me alive. Besides, I can't think of a single person that would want to do anything with me except knock me out."

They watched the movie in silence, the only sound being the screams of the actors. After a while, they realised that it wasn't worth it and turned it off. That's when it happened

"I would quite like to."

"Like to what?"

"Kiss you."

Lisgoe looked at him with a confused expression. He couldn't quite believe it - actually, he didn't believe it at all

"What the fuck?"

There was no trace of mockery in Ross' eyes. No trace of smugness on his lips. No raise in the eyebrows

It was as if he were telling the truth

"May I?"

Ross' face was still, which unnerved him slightly

"What the fuck?"

"You've said that already."

"And I'll say it again: what the fuck?"

"Don't swear, it's unnecessary."

"It's completely necessary!" Lisgoe's left eye involuntarily twitched, a tiny tell of confusion "I mean... who just asks that?! Especially you! I thought you were completely against me and everything I am. I also didn't think you knew what a kiss was!"

"Rude. But OK."

"And it just- no! No it's not OK! You just sprung that shite on me out of nowhere!"

"Then pretend I didn't say anything."

The look on Lisgoe's face said it all: are you fucking joking?

In the thick, heavy silence, there was a strange and tense energy that they wanted gone as soon as possible. Lisgoe was the one to break it

"I think the rumours are true."

"Excuse me?"

"The ones about that failed comedian and Legz Akimbo's shite director."

"Why are you gossiping with me like a schoolgirl?"

"It's either that or carrying on with the conversation, and I can't be arsed with that."

There was yet another pause, this seemed to be a trademark in their conversations

"Plimsolls and Tipps, two sour grapes in a bunch." Ross leaned back in his chair "A match made in pathetic Heaven."

"Heaven?" Lisgoe barked out a laugh "Are you sure?"

Neither of them could resist laughing a little at that. Lisgoe was slightly surprised to see Ross let the cold mask slip slightly, seeing him smile (actually smiling, not that arrogant little smirk) was a rare but not completely awful sight. He'd never admit it, even to himself, but Ross himself wasn't an awful sight either

Why the fuck would he ask something like that?

Try as he might, small talk wasn't going to shake their prior conversation from Lisgoe's head. As the silence settled around them again, he realised that he'd never actually answered the question. When Ross refused to meet his gaze, he could tell he wanted a response

"What you asked me wasn't OK."

"You've made that clear-"

"Shut up, I'm talking."

Once again, silence. Anymore and Lisgoe felt he would go mad

"What made it not OK is that it came out of nowhere and you expect me to magic up an answer like some magic bastard."

He stood up and stood in front of Ross with gritted teeth, not quite knowing how to force the words from his throat

"But what makes it a really fucking twisted thing to do," he continued, his voice hard as nails and rising from the pit of his stomach "is the fact that my immediate answer wasn't even no."

Ross stood up slowly, brows furrowed in a questioning gaze

"Excuse me?"

"Fuck off, you heard what I said. You just want it repeated back to you! Go on then, have your stupid fucking ego boost! My answer wasn't no. OK? It. Wasn't. Fucking. No."

"Joseph, calm down." Ross' voice was stern and demanding, his hands gripped at Lisgoe's shoulders to hold him still "For once, can't you talk without blowing up?"

At first, neither of then registered the contact. Once they did, they both froze. Their eye-contact was unbroken, neither knew what to say. Ross almost pulled away, but he noticed a tightness in Lisgoe's jaw that his right hand moved up to touch with a strange quality

A quality that should never be attributed to people like them

There was stillness. Slowness

Lisgoe couldn't understand why he was being treated like this. Nobody ever treated him like this, which he knew was partly because he never let anybody so close - and that was both figurative and literal! Even now, he refused to let his guard down. He wasn't going to close his eyes or let himself lean into those gentle hands. No, he was better than that

"What the fuck are you doing?" His voice was level and direct "You want one over me? Is that it?"

"You still haven't actually given me an answer, you just said the answer isn't no." Ross moved his left hand to Lisgoe's other cheek and repeated his previous question: "May I?"

His hands are warm

"Joseph?"

Why are they so fucking warm?

"Joseph, answer the-"

"Shh, I was about to talk!" He snapped, then composed himself "Yes. You may. If you want to word it like that."

At this point, Ross accepted that talking no longer meant anything, yet he only managed to move so close before his limbs seemed to shut down

Both their eyes were closed, barely a breath away from each other

"I haven't done this in a very long time."

"Ross," came the gravelly reply "do you really think I give a shite?"

That was the only hint needed before the gap between them was closed. It was strange, not the kiss itself, but rather how slow it was. How carefully everything seemed to slip into place, nothing felt rushed or frantic. There was no battle for dominance or control, it was built on a simplicity that was a surprise to both of them

"You've been smoking." Ross observed, only pulling away for a moment "A lot."

"Is that a problem?" He retorted "I only do it when I'm fucked off."

"Do you feel like smoking now?"

"The fuck is this? Rehab?"

"I'm asking because you're tense."

"So what? Doesn't matter, does it? Maybe I am tense, this isn't exactly an everyday occurance for me."

Once again, silence. This time though, it wasn't from awkwardness. Ross was giving him a chance to fill it, to let it spill out

"Why are you being kind to me?" Lisgoe asked "All this... gentle shite. It's like you're biding your time until you have me right where you want me. Then you'll fuck me over. So, if that's what this is, then I'm onto you." His voice contorted into a hollow laugh "So you can fuck off."

"... Joseph, when the hell did I say I was going to do that?"

"That's what people do." He responded, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world "Trust is a weapon, we both know that."

Ross couldn't argue with that. Not because he was lying, but because they'd both used trust as exactly that. A weapon

But now? It was something else, something much more destructive

"You're right." Ross said "I'm doing this for completely selfish reasons."

"I knew it."

"This is entirely for my benefit. Because you could stand here and tell me that you find me the most repulsive, grotesque man in all of Royston Vasey and I would still find a way to you because, as I've already told you, I want something from you. I don't know what, but I need something."

"You said need that time."

"It means the same thing."

"No, it doesn't. But you have that something. I let you kiss me, now can I go? Or is there some more bullshit you want to say?"

Ross went over to where Lisgoe was stood and knelt beside him, which earned him a questioning look

"Are you gonna suck me off or something?"

"No, I'm not."

"Then why the fuck are you kneeling?"

There was no response, instead Ross ran his fingertips slowly up Lisgoe's arm. Although he could feel him shiver slightly, there wasn't any outwardly negative reaction, so he let his hand trail upwards and rest on Lisgoe's upper arm. His other hand carefully guided the man's jaw so they were facing each other, then rested itself on the back of his neck

That warmth again Lisgoe could feel his breath hitch slightly why is it fucking everywhere? It squeezed and wrenched at every part of him, and the more he fought the urge to sink into it, the more it hurt

Then something happened

In the silence, the moment of pause, Lisgoe could feel his mind slipping slowly. And with it, there was something that caused him to gravitate towards Ross. It was invisible, powerful and completely unknown

But their lips fit together like puzzle pieces and there was nothing else

[allastoredeer]

Every time there's bottom Alastor fic it gets almost zero kudos, comments, bookmarks. But bottom Lucifer and top Alastor? Oooohhhh here comes first thousand of kudos and hundreds of comments in a span of a day! Then people start to make fanart and here comes another wave!

I fucking hate this fandom. I'm deleting my art and fics and I'm out, it's frustrating.

Ah, come on now, I wouldn't take it that far.

Yeah, it can be demoralizing and frustrating when you're stuff doesn't get as much attention as others, especially because of the way you write/draw the characters, but that's still something you put effort and love into. That's not worth deleting.

It's natural to want validation when you share something you created, especially in a fandom space, but if the only thing you're looking for when you post is validation, than you're just setting yourself up for failure.

I'm not saying you can't want validation (everyone does), but when you create art or write fanfics, you should be your primary audience. This should be for you fist and foremost. If you rely too much on what other people think, and whether or not they'll like it as much as you do or as much as a different concept/AU/dynamic, than it is going to hit hard when that doesn't happen,

Which is why I say you should ignore the things you don't like and focus on the things you do, because there will be fans who share your headcanons, concepts, character dynamics etc... It's much more rewarding when you're sharing your stuff with a small group of people than the entire fandom, because your work, especially if you're only just starting to draw/write fic, will typically be overlooked. It sucks, but it's true.

But keep going!! If you're truly no longer having fun in the fandom, I'm not going to try and keep you here. The whole point of fandom is to have fun. But if you do still love the show and you want to explore fan creations and make your own, then do it and block out everything else. You'll find you're people!

I don't want to make it seem like I'm putting myself on a pedestal or coming off as preachy. I've posted drawings/fic for the sake of validation too. I'm human and I want people to looooove my stuuuuff please and thank you, tell me I did good and you love it! And when it works, that IS a good feeling. It's a dopamine high you want to chase.

But when it doesn't happen, that shit hits hard and it can land a serious blow to motivation--at least it does for me. And it's still hard for me, personally, to get out of the mindset of relying on validation to keep creating. It's a lesson I keep relearning, because it's hard not to fall back into it. But it always ends the same: I start relying too much on that validation, and thus feel hurt when my stuff doesn't get a lot of traction, and then I enjoy fandom less and less and it becomes more like a chore than a hobby as I keep running after that validation high.

Fandom should never feel like a chore.

And once again, a post runs away from me. This is all to say, Anon, I know it's frustrating and demoralizing when your art/fics don't get as much attention as someone else's--especially because of your differing preferences--but don't let that take away your enjoyment of fandom, or drive you to deleting everything you worked hard to create. Be proud of what you made and find a community of people who WILL enjoy what you made. Stick with them. Create with them. And I promise you'll have a much better time.

[obstinatecondolement]

Fanfic writer interview meme

Thanks to @thisisadickinson for tagging me!

How many works do you have on AO3?

246 publicly, but I have anonymised some ones that I don't want associated with me anymore and I have something unrevealed in the Yuletide collection right now. Also, not everything on my AO3 is fic, because I do some other kinds of fanworks too.

What's your total AO3 word count?

592,603

Your top 5 stories by kudos:

Back From Marbella - a Ted Lasso Keeley/Roy/Jamie thing with a focus on Roy/Jamie for the most part

Violence Is Weakness (Only the Gentle Are Ever Really Strong) - Cobra Kai, Daniel LaRusso/Johnny Lawrence. I just wanted to make Johnny cry about being loved in this, I guess.

Balineum - The Witcher, Geralt/Jaskier. Jaskier keeps bathing Geralt at inns until Geralt is like, we can't keep doing this. If you're never going to fuck me, then I shouldn't let you and Jaskier is like, oh, okay. So you weren't just indulging my obvious and unrequited crush. Good to know.

Action is Redemption - The Karate Kid - Daniel/Johnny again but mostly gen stuff with Daniel LaRusso and the former Cobra Kai guys after the end of the first movie where they all make it up.

Alias: 🍑 4 🍆 - Cobra Kai, Daniel/Johnny thing where they keep arranging to hook up by accident and then deleting their Grindr in disgust, only to do the same thing again a little while later and still not include pictures of their faces.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Almost always, yes, because it never occurred to me not to. I came up in LiveJournal fandom where we just did that.

Do you write crossovers?

I probably have at some point, but not as a rule.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Lol. Yes. Mostly stuff where things do not go entirely smoothly, because my idea of what's really sexy is not having to be perfect for someone and have them still want you.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but I have blanket permission so if anyone wants to then go for it!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes—most recently I co-wrote Access Denied for Pod Together with kitsunerei88

What's your all-time favourite ship?

Oh, wow. That's a big question. I don't know that I have one standout ship? There are many that I consider my forever girl, but I am not monogamous with any of them.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I prefer to believe that I will eventually finish the ones I still want to write.

What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, humour, angst (mostly melancholic stuff about missed opportunities).

What are your writing weaknesses?

None, I'm perfect. But if you must know, blocking physical movement and keeping track of where hands are. And sometimes I can be a bit heavy handed, especially with exposition or spelling out character motivations too clearly when maybe they're not that self aware. I also can have a hard time keeping drafting and editing two discrete processes.

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

Max Bialystock/Leo Bloom. I will eventually, but it hasn't happened yet.

What's your favourite fic that you've written?

Argh, no, I can't pick. But if you must know, I do really love Girl Talk, which is a gen Some Like it Hot fic where Sugar and Daphne are being frands and it's all very sweet.

Tagging @trinityofone and @jazzypizzaz if they'd like to do this, as well as anyone else who fancies it.

[azems-familiar]

🥤🐇🦷🍅 for the writer ask? :O

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love

i'll do ffxiv for this since that's the fandom we share. this is a pretty popular emetraha fic but i'm obsessed with how it's written. i also have to, obviously, highlight @thewitchofelpis for their DELIGHTFUL hythazemet and hythwolemet!

🐇 ⇢ do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or a mix of both? 

i know reader inserts are all the rage for some people (and i respect that) but i hate reading them and i will never write them, lol. ocs on the other hand....sometimes i wish the oc printer in my brain would turn off. what am i supposed to do with all these guys. they're not even paying rent.

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

so this isn't a trick i use anymore, because i've mostly outgrown the need for it, but when i was a new writer doing nanowrimo for the first time (an event which focuses on word count/quantity over quality/get the novel written so you can edit it later) (as a side note i no longer endorse them given everything that's happened but the event was an important part of my life for multiple years so there's that), something i really struggled with was constantly writing and erasing things. some advice i was given was if i found a sentence or a paragraph or a scene or whatever didn't work, instead of deleting it, turn the text red (or another color), leave it there, and move on. you could probably also cut it out and stick it on another doc, if you preferred doing that. but that let me write without fear of deleting everything, or fear of fucking it up, because i had that stress-free option, and sometimes i could come back to those bits and pieces and use them for something else. even if i didn't, those were still words i wrote to be proud of and worth keeping around because i wrote them!

🍅 ⇢ give yourself some constructive criticism on your own writing

i'm not going to answer this one, and here's why: i struggle deeply with self-image and one of my worst issues that i'm constantly working on is my own tendency to consider everything i write bad, to not see the positive elements in it, and to need to be talked out of erasing whole swathes of story when i'm not happy with them. (you see why the above tip was helpful for me when i was younger.) while concrit is an incredibly useful thing, it's something i only personally engage in in specific mindsets, and the constant critical urge is something i'm attempting to train out of myself - and so since i already read my own writing through a heavily critical lens, this is something i'm not going to encourage in myself further!

[enden-agolor]

Just skimmed Chapter 14 of your Recovery fanfic and..wow, I have never seen someone write such well-written, squeal-inducing, professional smut before. Good job :0 🤌❤️❤️❤️

Oh gosh 🙈

Okay, I don't usually answer these here, but since I've received a few recently, I'll discuss it a little bit. Sorry this is going to be long, I just want to cover a few things.

Firstly, thank you. I'm glad you find it enjoyable! I do write this stuff "professionally", or so I like to think, on the side, and this fic is the first time I have ever had the confidence to post it publicly. I'll admit, I never ever expected so many people to read it, let alone make fanart of it. I was kind of at that point where I genuinely thought the fandom was dead and was like ehh nobodies gonna read this.

...Boy, was I wrong. 🧍‍♂️

I've received quite a few asks regarding this subject, from compliments to genuine questions, and I'm usually way too shy or embarrassed to reply to them. Not gonna lie, I am so embarrassed whenever I look back on this fic, no matter how many people reassure me and tell me it's good. I can't think about it without cringing (makes it very hard to keep updating).

I did get one ask that I recently deleted (me thinking I wasn't going to respond), that basically asked along the lines of what inspired me to write this? And... honestly? Whenever I get into a new ship, I always go straight to ao3 rubbing my nasty little hands together looking for the good shit, but with jesskas?? I was shocked and appalled to find almost nothing but toxic, disgusting, just... horrible things of them. I was fucking devastated, especially because these characters are so genuinely so sweet and caring towards one another in game, and it's one of those ships that may as well be canon.

That's when I was like... okay. I'm not letting this slide. I picked up one of my favorite tropes (injury recovery) and decided to hell with it, I'll write a good, smut fic that has build up, pining, world building, etc. Most of all, I was so excited to write their relationship happy, healthy, emotional, and so loving. I love smut with deep-rooted emotional connection and passion. I love to write all the juciy details, but make it realistic, healthy, and happy along the way. These characters deserve it. I could not BELIEVE the shit in the jesskas tag. Some people need serious help. Anyways, most of all I also wanted to put a lot of effort into the smut because I wasn't sure I'd ever write this sort of thing for them, let alone post this sort of stuff publicly ever again. So, I wanted it to be as revisitable as possible.

Anyways, again, thank you. It's always relieving to hear someone enjoys it. And uh. If you thought chapter 14 was bad, good fucking luck with the rest of the fic dude. 🤪

[lunar-years]

"i broke my own heart bc you were too polite to do it" oh hey wow early s3 roy ghost wrote a taylor swift song

i forgot how much of 1989 is about a high-highs low-lows messy ass situationship and I am now planting half the vault tracks onto my post s3 royjamiekeeley friends with benefits fanfic, lol.

anyway yes here's my definitive blorbo thoughts on the vault:

Slut!: Keeley pov song because the gossip mags were definitely all over that when she went from dating Jamie to Roy so fast :( also when she's pictured with both of them at different times in the ot3 era and you KNOW people are speculating about how she's playing both of them... god.

Say Don't Go: halfway out the door, but it won't close / i'm holding out hope for you to say 'Don't Go' ....another roykeeley divorce song I fear :( :(

Now That We Don't Talk: I already posted about this one yesterday but this is SUCH a jamiekeeley song. 'from the outside it looks like you're trying lives on' is Keeley keeping tabs on Jamie through his socials/Lust Conquers All after he deleted her number whilst 'I cannot be your friend so I pay the price of what I lost and what it cost' is Jamie knowing he fucked it up and also knowing he can't be platonic about her and then proceeding to block her number after their post breakup sex. Like walk with me on this one because I have a lot of thoughts it's SO them. the most blorbo-coded vault song imo LOL

Suburban Legends: do brits even have the same concept of suburbia as usamericans? lol. idk this song is too american to me to me to really apply to them but as you say, THAT line is Roy. That is Roy.

Is it Over Now?: tbh the exact lyrics of this one don't quite fit for them BUT I can still make it work because im delusional but also because the general vibe of still haunting one another after it's ended and never really knowing if it's over (it's not over) is SO all three of them in s3. they just aren't sleeping around with clones of one another like the subjects in the song lmao.

[aidanchaser]

20 questions for Fic Writers

Thank you for the tag @emeralddoeadeer! Am I using this to avoid writing? ... maybe

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

63 (I can think of at least 5 more that were orphaned or deleted)

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

1,561,814 (lower than I expected tbh!)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Right now, mostly Miraculous Ladybug and Star Wars

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

It's... all Harry Potter Everyone Lives AU. Literally, my top 8 are all the HP AU (the epilogue, however, comes in at 10 for some reason). So excluding the Spiders Georg of my fanfic kudos, my top 5 are: 9. By Her Side (miraculous ladybug smut) 11. The Gladiator Games (percy jackson - everyone dies au) 12. Office Number One (chase works out her HP complaints in a different way than the AU) 13. Movie Night at the Manor (dick grayson tries not to mope about the parallels between jason and the winter soldier) 14. 2am (i make people cry about young justice)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to respond to all comments. I don't quite get them all - but I try. Fic is about community, and I've made so many friends through Ao3 comments (including the lovely person who tagged me~)

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Not even a toss up. It's The Gladiator Games, where I slaughter, one by one, all the Heroes of Olympus.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

As I skim my list of fics, I find I'm not very into happy endings. I'm into hopeful endings, which I don't think are necessarily the same thing. I think I have to go with By Her Side, which, even though I've written a dozen Ladybug identity reveals, I think is the happiest. Even that one, though, ends on the hope that they can keep it this time, rather than reset the world like they've had to before.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

The closest I got to hate was people bitching at the HP AU for including Wolfstar (or for not including wolfstar, which is fucking funny tbh), and one or two people who complained that it wasn't different enough from canon or interesting enough. But, if the AU had not had such a lovely, kind, wonderful reception by folks overall, I probably never would have finished it.

9. Do you write smut. If so, what kind?

I do write smut. I enjoy writing smut. I like paralleling emotional vulnerability to physical vulnerability. I used to write really kinky smut but I've become less enamored with writing it in the last few years -- that said I do still come back to my Percy/Annabeth/Piper/Jason fic that is kinky as all hell.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I don't know that it can be found anymore, but I used to have a Rise of the Brave Tangled Dragons at Hogwarts fic. No idea if I orphaned or deleted it. I had all 7 years outlined. It was credited on Rise of the Brave Tangled Dragons wikis, links all broken now. I think only managed to write 3 of them before I quit the whole thing.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

At least twice people have tried posting the HP AU on Wattpad or Ao3 as their own. Which is... an odd choice. Like, I'm not fandom famous, but it's a pretty distinctive fic. Both got taken down fairly quickly.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! Some old, orphaned DCU smut got translated into Chinese. The HP AU has been translated into both Portuguese and German.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I used to co-write in school. I had a series that a former friend and I were collabing on, but we wrote fully different time periods in a series. I've never had a full fic co-written. Though, arguably, my beta team poured as much blood sweat and tears into the HP AU as I did, helping with everything from plot outlines to character developments to final grammar touches.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Percabeth. Something about them is just... so precious to me. I want them happy so badly.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Wisdom's Daughter Walks Alone... I know the ending. It's one more chapter. I should just write it. But I can't seem to make myself do it.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue. No questions asked. I love it and I'm good at it. It was the most consistent positive feedback I got throughout screenwriting and writing courses in school - I've always been very good at distinctive character voices.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Plot. Is it not enough for a story to be vibes? (If you want to know why I love AUs, Remixes, and songfic/poem frames - it's because I cannot think of an original problem to save my life. I can only borrow others'.)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Like all writing, it should be intentional. But, like all fanfic, it's just for fun so do whatever you want. Ultimately, when you write for others, you write to communicate a thought or idea. Writing is telepathy, as Steven King said. So using words from another language is just another set of tools in your belt to communicate an idea. Know your audience and communicate your idea well.

19. First Fandom you wrote for?

Very first ever? Kingdom Hearts. First written and published was Inuyasha. I am... old.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

All the ones I love, I love for different reasons. It's a hard question to answer, when each fic has served a different season in my life. I think I'm just going to pick 3, not necessarily because they are my favorites, but because they are the most vulnerable I have ever been in my writing. So, I don't know if I would say they're my favorite, but they have the most of me in them. 1. A Game of Scars and Secrets 2. Thicker than Water 3. Roots

Tagging @kay-elle-cee, @sunshinemarauder, @rosie-b, and @astargatelover!

[recurring-polynya]

Congrats on 1500!!!!! You deserve it :) I’d be interested to see any deleted scenes from Portions for Foxes!

There are two good deleted scenes from Portions for Foxes. Here is the angsty/sappy one (I have another request in the queue, so you' can'll see the bonkers one later). This happens near the end of the fic, so I'm gonna stick the explanation under the cut for spoilers, in case anyone out there has not read my four-year-old fanfic.

So, the first time I wrote the part in Chapter 4 where Renji accidentally tells Rukia that he loves her in the middle of the night, I had her get up in the morning and just go to work, so she wasn't there when he woke up. This is how that scene continued after that. The beginning may feel familiar because I scrounged most of it back into the fic later, but put it here for context.

This scene is actually kind of an interesting insight into my writing process-- I wrote it, it felt wrong to me, I was Angry for a week, and then I replaced it with the version that ended up in the final story. The flaw here, as I eventually identified it, is that the characters Say Too Much. I have a tendency to write my characters explaining everything about the story to the reader, which is not what I want-- I want to keep things subtle, I want to let the reader make connections themselves. Also, while I, personally, am constantly deconstructing and analyzing my own feelings and behavior, that's not a thing that realistic and interesting characters should be doing in stories. On the other hand, this kind of thing definitely definitely falls into the "no writing is wasted" category, because having a piece of text where I have spelled out what is going on can be enormously helpful for making sure it got sprinkled in there.

🌺 🍡 🍂

It's late morning when Renji rolls into the offices of the 13th Division, his arms full.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with these?" Rukia exclaims, as he dumps an enormous bouquet of red camellias into her arms.

"I'll find a vase," he promises, "I'm sure Captain Ukitake kept some around?"

"Leftmost bottom cabinet," Rukia grudgingly supplies. "Next to the extra paper." She eyes the white paper bag he has also deposited on her desk. It is printed with the label of her favorite confectionery shop. "And you know that's not what I meant."

Renji returns with a vase and relieves her of the flowers. "We need to talk."

She watches him try to fluff the flowers in the vase. "You don't know anything about flowers, do you?"

"I know about camellias," he responds simply.

She swallows. "Renji, don't."

He regards her for a moment. "You're right. I don't want to do this at the office. Let's play hooky."

She looks skeptical, so he snatches up the bag of wagashi and shakes it tantalizingly. "I'm going for a walk and taking these with me."

Rukia wrinkles her nose. "Fine. But only because I know you're going to subject me to this sooner or later, you never let anything lie. Now, help me get out of this chair."

He gives her a hand up.

"Did Brother do this often?" Rukia asks as they walk, trying to needle him. "Play hooky?"

She has repossessed her bag of sweets, although she did give him one. 

"He did, actually," Renji replies, a fond smile on his face. "It took me a while to figure out, but he used to say, 'Lieutenant! Attend me!' and then he'd go off somewhere, walking fast, very serious face on, me trying to keep up. And we'd go somewhere-- the first time, it was Soukyoku Hill, I remember that. And he would just stand there for a while, twenty, thirty minutes and then we'd go back. The cherry grove over near the Academy. The Royal Botanical Gardens. Those ugly sculptures outside the Art Museum. I think he took me along because it made it look like he was off doing something official, but I'm pretty sure he just liked getting out of the office once in a while."    

Rukia is making a face. "I think he liked being with people, but he didn't like talking to them. He did that to me all the time, too, although it was more often the woods behind the Manor or the gardens. He liked to sit and draw together, too."

They are both silent for a long moment.

"Only took us five months," Renji says quietly, "to be able to talk about him." 

"Is that what you wanted to talk about?" Rukia snaps, a bit too harshly.

"No," Renji replies. "Look, we're here, you wanna find a spot to sit?"

He's brought them out to the Red Hollow Gate Overlook, a place they have spent many an hour, the best view of South Rukongai in the Seireitei. It is the analog of the overlook in Inuzuri where they used to stand, looking inward. It was the place where they buried their dead, but it never felt morbid to them. It was just a place they all liked to be, a place they might pick to be forever, when the time came.

It is getting into late autumn, and Rukongai is mostly brown now, just a small ring around the Seireitei ablaze in scarlets and oranges. Renji tries to guesstimate where the color ends. 18, maybe? They've probably already had snow in Inuzuri. 

No one is up here today. Fall colors have lost their charm and it’s pretty chilly. Renji spreads his haori on the ground and helps Rukia sit before plopping down beside her.

He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

"You don't have to--" Rukia tries to interrupt.

"I do, actually. This has been killing me, Rukia, so let me say my piece, will ya?"

Her mouth snaps shut.

"I have spent my entire adult life trying to be better than I am," he sighs. "A good part of my adolescence, too, for that matter." He smiles sadly. "I wasn't exactly close, but I was gettin' there."

"Close to what?" Rukia demands.

"To being good enough," he explains, as though this clarifies anything. "To feel like I would have something--anything-- to offer you if I were to, y'know, ask you to marry me."

Rukia takes a sharp intake of breath.

"And then-- just after the biggest failure of my whole life-- failed my captain, failed you, failed everyone, and I let myself fall back into being an absolute trash heap of a person, you had to go and ask me, instead."

"Renji, you were grieving. You're still grieving. I shouldn't have--"

"I'm not trying to blame you! I'm just trying to explain why I haven't been the husband I always wanted to be for you. That I'm not even sure if that's something you want. That even though I've been a miserable pile of shit, I still love you, for whatever the love of a miserable pile of shit is worth."

"Oh, Renji," Rukia manages, throwing her arms around him. "You act like I've been any better. The only good thing I've been able to do-- the only thing that's kept me from giving up-- has been trying to hold you together. And lately, it seems like you're doing so much better and I'm not, I'm not better at all, and you don't need me anymore and I don't know-- I don't--"

"Shh, shh," Renji says, taking her in his arms. "Of course I need you. I've always needed you. I've only managed to get my shit in line because I thought that's what you needed. I can go back to drinking my breakfast if that's what you'd prefer."

"It's not," she scowls back at him. 

"Okay," he nods. "But maybe instead of being two sad people who can't even talk to each other, maybe we can try to be two sad people who are trying to help each other. Who are trying to get better, for each other's sake, if not for our own."   

She nods, unable to speak, and stuffs her face into his side. A muffled “I love you, too. I’m sorry,” eventually emerges.

“You’re sorry? For what?”

She turns her head a little. “For making you marry me. For roping you into Kuchiki family politics.”

He guffaws. “I was the one who told you gettin’ adopted was a good idea, all those years ago. And you shut up about our wedding, I loved our wedding. Fuck Ichigo and his dumb ideas, gettin’ married in secret and fucking over a bunch of nobles was awesome.”

“I liked it, too,” she says in a tiny little voice.

Renji sighs. “Speaking of Ichigo, though… I guess it’s probably about time I go apologize to him, huh?”

“Why is he mad at you anyway?”

“He didn’t think I was doing a very good job of taking care of you. And I got mad at him back because he was right.”

“Do you have to go right now?”

Renji shakes his head, and tightens his arms around her. “Naw," he says. "He can wait. I’m busy right now.”